Moments before the curtain rises..

It's the silence before entering a stage. Those last few seconds when you hold your breath and don't really know what goes on inside your head. When all you can feel is the hotness of your own breath, with the cold chill of the spine. When, all that matters is that you feel the spirit within you and just enjoy doing what you are destined to do. It's a feeling I have felt very often, through the numerous performances I've given. It's a feeling I have now- this moment - as I sit and wait to make the biggest entrance of my life. 

 I chose right. It's the right time in life. It feels all right and fits perfectly. It's that phase when I know the song is peppy and a crowd pleaser. The choreography has a tempo that will set the crowd's mood and yet soulful enough to give me freedom to put emotions into it. When I know, that all I have to do is reach out deep within myself, forget the world, the audience, their perception, their judgement - that moment when all I have to do is look right into the middle of the spotlight, straight ahead of me, feel the aura of the light blinding my vision and go to my place deep within - where the world is perfect. 

I know,when I reach that place, I give my best performance - the kind that deeply satisfies me, leading me into a euphoric state that a lot of artistes will relate to. It's euphoria that comes with knowing that what you felt and wanted to express was expressed in it's purity and entirity. There was no adulteration. There was no stopping, no interference, no doubts. When you were let to finish your statement unhindered. It din't matter whether the audience got it or not - the audience reflects the joy the artiste feels. So, I know when I felt that joy  my audience felt it too. 

I wonder with this big performance coming ahead, if I will be able to feel that sense of purity. That is all I hope to feel. The rest of life will come together piece by piece based on the strength of that purity. That's why, this one is so important. 

Here, I stand behind the curtains, waiting for them to raise. I can feel the heat of the spotlight and know where it is positioned. It's blinding strength. Clean slate, fresh mind, gushing blood,racing heart. All I want to do is reach that place deep with in - enjoy myself, feel purity, exhilaration and be able to spread it to the audience that awaits. 

Will I be able to?

Big Picture

As winter creeps into the city I've come to love, I sit by the window on a sunny yet cold morning, with a warm cup of coffee. There is a sense of freedom,of being able to breathe clear, fresh air and feel the cold air fill my lungs. The freedom of the mind to be aware of such a visceral feeling.

It made me wonder when was the last time I felt such freedom and how long did it last. I ran through a few posts and came across this one that I wrote sitting by a pond,reading a book on a hot yet perfect summer afternoon. It was two years ago. I wondered what kept me from this feeling all this while.

Life has been turbulent. Most times I was like a yo-yo with no control over anything I felt. By the time I could gain some understanding and control of an emotion I came to be aware of , there was something new running. There was chaos, confusion, helplessness, anger, pity which then just changed to sheer wonder. Wonder - at how fast time could run and how each moment had such control over the electric signals in my head. How I had no control over what I felt and was constantly trying to catch up and understand so I could help myself. It felt like chasing a car that I so badly needed to stop. 

Then something magical happened. Someone helped me the way I help every patient that walks in my office. When a patient comes in with insufferable pain, I see the same chaos, confusion, helplessness, anger and pity in their eyes. There is a desperation and a sense of gratitude for just my sheer existence, coz my existence as the professional gives them hope. Hope, that this loss of control over their own body and mind will end. I stand there, listen to their experience, feeling and the facts. Analyse everything I hear, put it in an algorithm of my own that developed over time with all the education at schools, colleges, books and just life. Figure out the big picture, see where the problem is coming from and derive the solution. When it works and the confusion ends, a sense of control is regained. I see a different person - one that has the confidence and the spirit to conquer.

This person helped me in exactly the same way. The key being he saw the "big picture". Made me aware of the big picture. Suddenly, what I felt was unimportant. The only thing that mattered is what I did that moment and the next. He gave me the perception that whatever I did now, needed to be in line with what I wanted my big picture to be. Suddenly, it did not matter anymore, if the car stopped or not. I stopped chasing. It felt like I stood, catching my breath for a while. When I did, I saw what was around me and realized I was on a long endless road with tall trees on either side. It was a hot yet perfect summer morning, the sun playing hide and seek with the leaves, the shadows dancing to this tune. 

The irony is, I do this for a living. I was trained all my life to bring a sense of control back into the lives of people that came to me by analysing the "big picture". Yet, here I was, unable to do the same to help myself. 

To you, my dearest - Thank You. 

Trust

How do you trust the fact that you trust? Be it a person, a concept, a circumstance, a logic - just anything.

Most of life and it's ways are about trusting. Trusting your lungs to function well enough so you can breathe and be alive. Trusting the sense organs to inform you of everything in the surroundings, trust your head to use the information and keep your form protected. In essence all of life functions with trust.

So, how then do you trust, Trust?

New beginning, new ending. A beginning that celebrates the end of a previous beginning. All in the hope that the trust placed in life, in the person I'll share it all with is going to stay till the lungs I've trusted thus far keep my trust.

To you my dearest - Cheers to a new beginning! 

Power of Resilience

Forgive and forget is what most experienced preach.When one is the victim of a wrong doing, it is hard enough to fight the situation, redeem oneself, summon the power of healing - add to that forgive and then forget. I"ve never had a hard time forgiving, it's forgetting that gets to me. 

I have noticed myself trying to reason with wrong doing, analyse the 'why' part of it, try to figure out if there was anything I could do to not bring it upon myself. Recently I've realized that most times than not, these occurrences have nothing to do with me. I thrust myself with the responsibility of avoiding the pain I feel, so hard, that I make myself believe that it was all in my hands. Yes, it is in my hands to not feel the pain of it all, but inflicting that pain is not. No matter how many such experiences I've had, I never cease to blame myself for all the pain I feel,coz after all, it is in my hands to not feel.

How 'not forgetting' helps, is by allowing the recognition of situations, to muster up strength and shield oneself this time. Duck before the hurt is hurled at you! How 'not forgetting' does not help, is obviously by the constant memory and thus the perpetual need to heal. 'Not forgetting' warrants constant healing. 

How forgetting helps, is by letting one move ahead with courage. The fear of being hurt is gone, coz the pain of it is forgotten. When it comes again, it's a new experience. This needs the power of resilience. 

I've realized over time that my power of healing is way stronger than my power of resilience.In fact I never recognized the existence of resilience. Hence, I never forget the pain, constantly summon my power of healing, remain guarded at all times and yet try to live fully; take in the adventure of life that constantly holds promise and yet threatens to challenge you with precipices and gorges. 

I've always thought very highly of the power of healing, specially mine, coz it has never let me down. But now, I see the energy I put in to keep this power propelling, the slow and guarded manner with which I try to live life 'fully'. If I shield and duck so much, how can I stand up straight and see clearly? How can I scale the precipices and see what is on the other side, if I hold myself back? How will I ever learn to soften my fall in the gorges if I constantly concentrate on all the pain I might feel with the thud? 

The power of healing helped me move on from the painful experiences. It is a power very much needed, specially in those initial stages of recovery. But, what is needed right after, is the power of resilience. For this power brings with it courage- the one quality that life demands if one truly wants the experience. With courage, comes the ability to forget. 

So, here I am, evoking the 'power of resilience'- the one that enables you to recoil, spring back; that lets you experience life fearlessly, in it's entirety. 

The power that lets you forget.

Tired banter

Most days, these days, I come back worn out and say "I give up". I believe it has a lot to do with my attitude than the general happenings in life. Every day I wake up and fight- fight my attitude, fight the happenings , the non-happenings, the wait for things to turn around my way- fight! The constant fight is getting tiring. And now I have to fight being tired. 

When can I ever stop fighting is what I ask some wise people - and they say- When you breathe your last! 

Sprinkles of 'extra' on ordinary!

I was recently beckoned by one of my favourite cities in the world . It's a favorite not only coz it's a city with an amazing character, but also coz it's the very city that helped me develop mine.

It was excitement resembling that of coming home, of returning to familiar land after a long, tiring journey. The city remained just as I remember leaving it. The street corners looked the same, the ground had the same feel when walked on, the air felt the same. Familiar sights, smell and sound- not much had changed.Yet it din't fail to mesmerise me, just as it always has.

As I approached the airspace and dipped to take a peek at the city all lit up as if in preparation for a special night, I wondered how many souls out there were as lucky as I was that night, to see the beauty of these glimmering lights all along its silhouette.

The night progressed further and the skies hesitantly showered a few flakes, as if an angel was carrying a basket full of snow and somehow a few flakes slipped out of it while it rocked in her hands! The sight of such light snow, of so few flakes, as they lightly found their way to the earth,seen under shining bright street lamps in the wee hours - an instant that could only be an artist's imagination. 

An early morning in a popular cafe, where all come to experience the magic of coffee- it's amazing gift to swing moods and change the momentum of a day.Two elderly women, deaf and dumb, seated across a small round table, hands moving in the air in a frenzy, catching up over a cup of coffee. Their existence barely noticeable with no contribution to our din and us disappearing into oblivion in their soundless world of words,thoughts and emotions. 

Magical moment...one that revealed how being out of the ordinary can make ordinary  affairs extra ordinary.

All it takes is a moment in time to see something special and a heart beat to feel the magic it unfolds.

New York never fails to give me such moments and that one heartbeat I need to recognise them.

Another Fresh Start!

At the helm of a new year, there are many ways people perceive the season. There are many that begin celebrations of hope, of something better, shinier, in essence more to their liking. There are some that get busy trying to catch up with time running away and threatening never to come back. There are others that dwell in divinity and thank The One above for all that the year past had brought their way.

The city in general gets lit up reflecting the brightened spirits of it's people. There is music of cheer ringing, a sway in the air that promises an easier, fun yet brighter future.There are smiles all around. It's the Holidays! 

The ticking of the clock, the arrival of the new year, that moment- no matter how many times lived, is a moment that has the ability to always be special. It lets one rewind the events of the past year in quick successive flashes, relive moments that evoked the person inside , bring one face to face with all those instances of smiles, of tears, of pride, of guilt, of good decisions and consequences of bad. 

Everybody has a unique way of breathing in that moment. Most hug and express a need to share the thrill of hope while some others wait for their turn to do the same.Some hold on tight to that one special soul that enriches theirs, sharing a smile of contentment; of dreams galore.Some get busy with opening a bottle of champagne,cutting a cake,cheering and clapping.Some just sit back and enter their own world of retrospection, resolution and hope. While some others much like me, run their eyes around the room, observing people and their unique way of acknowledging the moment.

No matter how many new years have come and gone, I've always had the same reaction. A moment of silence, a private moment, a need to be with my inner self, asking it to stay calm, that things will be all right, there is more to learn, more strength to show- a minute of reassurance that the end of this year will still find me smiling, just as I am right now.