Big Picture

As winter creeps into the city I've come to love, I sit by the window on a sunny yet cold morning, with a warm cup of coffee. There is a sense of freedom,of being able to breathe clear, fresh air and feel the cold air fill my lungs. The freedom of the mind to be aware of such a visceral feeling.

It made me wonder when was the last time I felt such freedom and how long did it last. I ran through a few posts and came across this one that I wrote sitting by a pond,reading a book on a hot yet perfect summer afternoon. It was two years ago. I wondered what kept me from this feeling all this while.

Life has been turbulent. Most times I was like a yo-yo with no control over anything I felt. By the time I could gain some understanding and control of an emotion I came to be aware of , there was something new running. There was chaos, confusion, helplessness, anger, pity which then just changed to sheer wonder. Wonder - at how fast time could run and how each moment had such control over the electric signals in my head. How I had no control over what I felt and was constantly trying to catch up and understand so I could help myself. It felt like chasing a car that I so badly needed to stop. 

Then something magical happened. Someone helped me the way I help every patient that walks in my office. When a patient comes in with insufferable pain, I see the same chaos, confusion, helplessness, anger and pity in their eyes. There is a desperation and a sense of gratitude for just my sheer existence, coz my existence as the professional gives them hope. Hope, that this loss of control over their own body and mind will end. I stand there, listen to their experience, feeling and the facts. Analyse everything I hear, put it in an algorithm of my own that developed over time with all the education at schools, colleges, books and just life. Figure out the big picture, see where the problem is coming from and derive the solution. When it works and the confusion ends, a sense of control is regained. I see a different person - one that has the confidence and the spirit to conquer.

This person helped me in exactly the same way. The key being he saw the "big picture". Made me aware of the big picture. Suddenly, what I felt was unimportant. The only thing that mattered is what I did that moment and the next. He gave me the perception that whatever I did now, needed to be in line with what I wanted my big picture to be. Suddenly, it did not matter anymore, if the car stopped or not. I stopped chasing. It felt like I stood, catching my breath for a while. When I did, I saw what was around me and realized I was on a long endless road with tall trees on either side. It was a hot yet perfect summer morning, the sun playing hide and seek with the leaves, the shadows dancing to this tune. 

The irony is, I do this for a living. I was trained all my life to bring a sense of control back into the lives of people that came to me by analysing the "big picture". Yet, here I was, unable to do the same to help myself. 

To you, my dearest - Thank You.