Friday, July 24, 2009

If only...

He sat by her side, not sparing a word. She had left him alone despite promises galore. In silence, he walked away, not a glance in her direction as he let her be from that day on. Tears welled up, but he threatened them against flowing down. He knew he had to get away, just didn't know where to go. He made a call and geared up his bike. He always knew his destination, this time he just let his bike decide.

There was his friend, one that has always been by his side. He stopped right in front of her and let the tears roll. The evening was spent in silence, just letting emotions flow out. With days that went by, he spent his every free moment with her. He needed the distraction, coz life and an empty head reminded him of his pain. It reminded him of unfulfilled promises and shattered dreams of a life that could be. He would talk to her, tell her all about the dreams, the person he shared a very recent part of his life, moments between them and somehow it never hurt to talk about it to her. It in fact had a calming effect. Soon, they would meet, but the talks were no more about shattered dreams and what could be, they were about things happening around them, of incidents and random talk. He liked her company. He liked the comfort and ease she would put him in. Life didn't seem all that bad while he was with her.

With time the openness and comfort improved. The broken promises and all the pain with it were forgotten. He was ready to move on. She was a miracle worker. He had never imagined that life could get rosy again. But she had worked her magic yet again and like each time, she had wielded her magic wand and wiped away the pain. He knew he needed her for life and he offered her his love. She accepted. She knew not when, how or why her fondness for him had grown. But does love ever need a reason? She knew he made her happy. She looked forward to the part of the day that she spent with him. She just felt lucky that he reciprocated the same.

Life went on. Days were now more about the other than just themselves. It mattered to know if the other was happy. It mattered to make the other's day a little easier if not more beautiful. There was happiness all around.

On one another evening, over a cup of tea, they sat just talking, like they always did. He very animatedly described his opinion on a recent happening and told her of a similar incident in the past. As he addressed her as part of his conversation, he took a name. She had heard the name a million times through out the time she knew him. But the name wasn't hers. She let it slide by and did not appraise him of his doing. After a few hours, it happened again. She kept quiet again. It bothered her. She just didn't know if she was overtly reacting to some genuine mistake or was it genuine to react coz this meant more than just a mistake. A few months later, it happened again. She knew there was more to it than just being a mistake each time. But, it happened rarely and on a very random note. His every action told her he cared for her immensely.Was she right in letting it bother her?

Was it just out of habit, of being in a relationship that had lasted a while, that he called out with a name that wasn't hers? or was there a recent event, may be a recent conversation with someone form the past or a conversation with her? Had she ever really had a place of her own in him or was it just a mere filling of a void that was left inside of him? Did he in the years that she was with him, for one day seen her for who she was and not for who she was filling in for?
For replacing or filling in she would never be able to do. She knew that she would never be loved the way he had once upon a time and she was ok with it. She had enough confidence in herself to evoke enough love and care over a period of time, as much as she deserved.

Was it fair to continue being seen as someone she was not? She loved him and cared for him immensely. He had seen broken promises before, should she be cruel and make him go through another episode of broken promises?

He sat beside her, in silence as she told him of other dreams she had..ones that did not have a place for him. He knew it was coming. He knew it had something to do with the times his tongue had slipped and she had said nothing. He now thought of how he should have explained it to her then and apologized. How he had thought of doing so, but just couldn't come up with a credible excuse. That it was a mere confusion of mind and sheer habit and meant nothing more to him. That she was all that mattered.It was because she was in his life that he had had the courage to move on. But, he hadn't told her and it was too late now. A decision was made and one that she was convinced was right. He knew she deserved more. He loved her and that is all the more why he should let her go. He held her hand, wished her the best in life, sunk her face in his memory and walked away.

She sat there alone watching him walk away. Could he not now have accepted it as a mistake and told her that she meant his life to him? May be, he did not coz after all, she did not really have her unique place in him. She probably merely filled the void and numbed the pain. She after all was not strong enough to help him move on.