All my life, I have been told by everybody that has touched my life that there is something special about my soul. Its a quality almost everybody has described as "I can't describe it. Just know to hold on to it."
I always assumed that they were referring to it from an experience in which I must have had an unexpected deep positive impact on them. I must have enforced an emotion that the person had never experienced before probably because people they had come across in the past had never initiated an action that I did. The whys, hows and maybes cannot be answered But, I know I must have done something different.
I was always taught to think of every human being as equal. To treat them the way I would want to be treated. I was taught that every human being wants the same thing as me - the preservation of dignity, self respect and value worth. It's somehow what everything we do in life adds up to.
As part of my profession, as I come across people in various states of health, I have always remembered to protect these three characteristics in them. It's what I always place in my head when I have to decide on an action or reaction that I have to take/make in any situation I am put in. It's what I've over the years perceived as part of what makes me "special".
I was always told to protect that "something special" and to never lose it. I valued myself more in the fact that I had this intangible, indescribable something special. I think it was something I held on to , to stop destroying myself with the humongous self criticism I put myself through constantly.
To me, I am not all that and for most of my life I have searched to make myself better in my own eyes. I have a huge deficit in self worth. And I don't remember the last time I was satisfied with myself. I can remember more often the times I have let myself down, fallen short of my own expectations and not been the person I dreamt of being in a situation.
A part of me thinks that, that thought process will help me better myself all through life. I have measured myself in my eye and in the reactions of people around me to me. Some I felt happy about and some not so. Even when I felt happy, a part of me kept telling myself I could have done better and that the other person had low expectations.
Then in a new phase of life I came across a soul that every time we entangle, tells me in no uncertain words that there is nothing special about my soul. That I have a long way to go before I can come close to being the picture of me I have in my head.Sometimes even that the picture itself is flawed and not sincere. That in ways I am overrated.
It always hurts me to feel that way. It might just be my perception of those encounters and this particular soul may not actually be meaning it to come out the way I see it. But I can confirm definitely that hurt is what I feel.
I think it hurts me coz if there was one thing I had in reality that was part of the picture in my head it was the idea that I always protected the three things that were important to me and everybody that I knew. To me that was the "something special" about my soul.
I've recently been made aware that may be not everybody keeps those three things in high priority. May be there are other things that are more important to people around and all this while I was just meeting a set of people that were similar in nature to me. And this once, I've met someone from a different set and has opened my eyes to be aware of a whole other set of people.
It shook things in me. It just made me feel sad. All my life, I knew I had something inside of me that gave me the strength to put others ahead of myself and let me do it with utmost sincerity.Its why I knew the profession I had chosen would work great for me. I thought I was also perceived that way. That my sincerity came across in its entirety and purity.
I know now that it's not the case. That there are people to whom none of this matters and to them its all just a charade of a generalized idea of positive nature.
I guess, deep within, I know that the sincerity is there in me, the strength is there. But, I sometimes wonder if knowing it is all that's important. Isn't it also important for people around you to somehow be tangible of its existence? So, then...did I truly get this part of my picture right? May be not. Self destruction by self criticism continues.