The inevitable is here. I am going to let my home go, to nurture a new one.
As I handed over my notice to vacate at the rental office, tears welled up. I realized two things then. One, that I get attached easily and the other I get attached tenaciously.
I've always remember moving - smaller house to a bigger house, one city to another, one country to another, from parents' protective embrace into the big bad world - each of those moves have had one thing in common - that tugging feeling at the heart with a big booming "but I don't want to go" cry in my head.
I loved every house I've stayed in. They have each been significant in their contribution to my growth. The walls, the windows, the doors, the floors, new furniture, old furniture, the smells, the decoration, the neighbors, the friends, the help at home, the view of the sky, the pattern with which the moonlight would grace the ceiling over my bed, the sounds of the crickets, frogs and other creatures of the night.
Every first morning in a new place had the same feel as well. As a child, I remember waking up to the smell of fresh paint and clean linen on make shift beds, heart racing with excitement about all the new corners I could get to play and leave a mess of toys, books and the like, the little space in the backyard where I could dance to my hearts content among washed clothes spread to dry and other friends from nature, the garden up front where alongside a beautiful rangoli would be my little hop-skotch box. I remember that chart was a sign I was healthy and happy. An absence of the chart next to that immaculate rangoli would mean I was down with the Flu. No, it wasn't because I was too tired to play or din't feel like it, I wasn't allowed to go outdoors, lest I would never recover.
There was always excitement to discover everything the new home had to offer.
This home among all, has been the closest to my heart. It was MY first. 10 yrs of sheer struggle, hard work, suppression of desires with a relentless fervor to yet never quit dreaming, stringent budgets, compromising for ease of access and proximity to more important priorities - all of it paid off - when I first moved into this house. A small space, just enough for me, but large enough for anyone that cared to feel it's warmth. I put thought into decorating it, chose my furniture, still with a stringent budget - but MY budget. This home is something I built and for myself. It had everything I wanted, in the way I wanted it. It was my sanctuary.
Here I am, stepping into the next phase of life. To make a home - OUR home. Yes, I am excited. The joy of smelling fresh paint, discovering those miraculous little spaces that delight you coz you can put things you din't really have to bring along with you, but you couldn't part with them, so they are here anyway. To bring in warmth amongst all the beauty and organization(or a lack of it!) - a warmth BOTH of us can feel, relish and share with ones that care.
But, the tugging at the heart and not wanting to let go of the one I have now, still remains. I know I'll always carry an image of a part of me plastered to every wall of this home.
HOME - I love you. I'll miss you immensely. You will always have a special and spatial place in my heart. Take care of yourself and stay strong through all that nature throws at you. Give the love, warmth, protection, comfort, happiness and peace you have given me to whoever follows, how many ever follow.
Be their sanctuary, just like you have been mine.